I’m tired of being a rental car

Langre’ Michele | goldthelabel.com

 

Never would I have thought that I could allow myself to be vulnerable and transparent with people on a lifestyle I wouldn’t have expected I’d desire as a twenty-something.

Well that was a mouthful…

 

There is a tug I cannot shake to express my love for Jesus Christ and my aim to honor what I morally stand for in every facet of my life; both publically and privately.

 

Disclaimer: This is not a depiction of a perfect person…

 

Quite the opposite really. There is no motive to portray myself as self-righteous, nor am I seeking praise. What I aim to do is share my personal experiences and journey of becoming a WHOLE-woman in hopes that you can identify with part of it.

 

Where should I begin…?

 

At the ‘risk’ of becoming known as the girl who is honoring God with sexual purity, I must say, there are definitely worst things that I could be known for. So I might as well just say it.

 

I’m celibate… there… I said it.

 

I understand the scrutiny that can come, as my journey may seem extreme to many of my readers. I can sense it because I can practically hear you thinking what I was thinking…

 

  • “Aww that’s great that YOU aren’t having sex, but I don’t think I could do it.”
  • “Good for you!”
  • “I am a very sensual, and intimate person, it’s just who I am.”
  • “Sex makes me feel empowered.”
  • “I have a strong appetite for it.”

…and my all-time favorite-

  • “I mean what do you expect…I’m a Scorpio.”

 

WHEW! This is evidence, indeed, that the Lord chhhhaaangggeed me!

 

There are so many conversations and controversies about abstinence and celibacy that I think I can give my two cents from a very practical point of view.

 

The dictionary defines celibacy as ceasing from sexual relations. However, in my experiences it is not entirely about JUST refraining from sex; there is so much more that came with the territory of trying something outside of my normal. It became a transformative journey that helped me to explore purity not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. In this message and those to come, I’d like to touch on my person trials and triumphs with loneliness, desiring a mate, learning how to prepare for marriage, honoring the covenant of marriage, and most importantly ENJOYING being single!

 

But, I must digress…

 

Here’s the thing with celibacy, I felt like I was suffering in silence when it came to the arena of sex. On one side my friends encouraged my promiscuity and on another side the church condemned it. But I was still being left holding something that God gave me, something that I couldn’t just ‘switch off’… do you feel me?

 

I needed to figure out what that middle ground was for me. How do I be real about sexual desires yet have the self control to place the sanctity of sex and marriage above my own desires.

“…the cycle of make-up and break-up relationships, using sex as a pacifier to avoid talking about real issues in a relationship”

 

I wanted to stand unashamed in my values, solid in my dignity, and free from the addiction-like behaviour that sex brought. For example, the cycle of make-up and break-up relationships, using sex as a pacifier to avoid talking about real issues in a relationship, and most of all finding myself in compromising situations because of sex.

 

I WANTED TO STOP BEING A RENTAL CAR TO MEN

 

You know, where they pick you up, take you out, thrill you for a little while and then go ‘ghost’… leaving one to ponder, “what happened?” just as feelings begin to evolve. Rented. Used. Returned. In that order.

 

I realized that I was taking something so beautiful (sex) and turning it into a cheap thrill. It was becoming something ugly, selfish, and damaging to my femininity. I had the mentality to “act like a lady, and think like a man”- I was out to run around just ‘as good as’ the boys.

 

My voyager-like behavior took me places because I was labeled ‘experimental’ and ‘free’. I travelled on the whim with celebrities, finding myself under the Dunes River Falls in Jamaica or at a slot machine in Puerto Rico on their beck and call. I was rental car… remember?

 

However, after the tailspin of opportunities ended, I was left feeling empty. I would reach out in hopes of getting more of the attention, but would quickly realize that I had been the flavor of the month, and that shop was now closed. Ouch.

 

Then, it dawned on me that what I was doing was not working. Albert Einstein made the statement that says, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” I was intentionally placing myself in a dangerous perpetual cycle of insanity. (Maybe that was a bit dramatic- but you get the point.)

 

So, at an attempt to end the insanity, I first decided that sex needed to come off the table. I realized that I knew that there was never a real issue with trying to get a man to sleep with a woman; the question was, what would happen if sex was not immediately a part of the terms and agreement?

 

This question was constantly on my mind, so much so that it stuck with me. I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t stop thinking about what could happen to my relationships and dating experiences if sex was temporarily, removed from the equation. What would happen?

 

I began with setting a goal of celibacy for 3 months. It was a test run; but I decided on three commitments:

  1. I had to remove all damaging relationships that promoted sexual connection or the temptation of
  2. I was committed to evaluate what I bring to a relationship as a WHOLE- woman
  3. I was committed to unselfishly evaluating what I wanted in a meaningful relationship

 

I speak from a place of going through. I am no means above any situation or circumstance, However, I have been given the opportunity to start over, change my perspective and try something new.

 

In our present society, mixed with so much contention and vulnerability to follow the masses, people need to know there are options… different perspectives and alternative lifestyles. As a faith-walker, we need to know that there is nothing wrong with talking about honoring what you believe, what you stand for, and being proud about it. Unequivocally unashamed. Shamelessly, this gives me public accountability and a private outlet. By putting it out there, I definitely have to continue to practice what I preach!

 

Are you tired of perpetuating the cycle? Do you want to try something new? My friend, let’s take this journey together.

 

Stay tuned for the next blog post “COMPROMISE, COMPROMISE, COMPROMISE; Whats going to be your standard?”

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Keep up with Langre via Instagram @langre_michele or maetog.com

Written by goldthelabel

Golden.

7 comments

  1. Very inspiring Lang. Your transparency in this topic is beautiful and I know it wasn’t easy doing so. You are such a great girlfriend to so many of your readers. Continue to be honest and real as this is a topic so many young women are struggling silently on. Your transparency and journey of going through is freeing so many!

    All the Best!

  2. Thank you for having the courage to stand up and speak out about this topic! I have so much respect for you and your journey. May the Lord continue to use you as a representative of his love,light,glory and grace. Many Blessings xxo

  3. I’m so proud of you Lang. Brilliantly written article on a sensitive topic. Thank you for sharing and being open to and teaching that vulnerability is beautiful. I can’t wait to keep reading more of your posts! And you’re definitely not a rental car. You are a brand new, stylish, automatic, custom built, FINE AS HELL, expensive car!!!

    -Your number 1 fan,
    Heta

  4. Hey Langre… I appreciate how you wrote this post from a viewpoint of your own experience, in a nonjudgmental-of-others kinda way. You’re super brave, and strong, to do this! Thanks for sharing… I find the topic interesting, but I’m not sure I feel drawn to try it myself. What are your thoughts on sex within a long term (not married) relationship?

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