I Missed the Memo

Living in this easy access, overly sensual culture- I’m moved to think that I’m the only who feels like this. We live in a society where being the “bad girl” is often glorified and being scantily clad ALL the time, is labelled as “sexy” and appealing. Too many times have I seen advocates of the beauty of woman’s mind half dressed in their protest.

What I’m really trying to decipher is, why being half-naked is instantly considered to be sexy? Just because it’s super tight don’t make it right. Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand the want to celebrate curves and  exude confidence in the skin you’re in! I get it! Many times you just can’t help it. Having curves is nothing to be ashamed of. What I don’t understand is why being “sexy” is directly linked to small items of clothing in tight proportions. To then post images of yourself in such apparel displayed for the world to see on social media, constantly.

Blah blah blah, right?

Hear me out…

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Why do we feel we must look a certain way to get attention?

It’s almost like there’s this strange misconception in the way we think. Women want to be celebrated and sought after for their minds and the many attributes they can offer the world, yet the delivery is off.
It’s like attending an office interview in a two piece swim suit…
The packaging just ain’t right.

We’re in a time where the amount of female university grads is at an all time high. Women taking top rank in post secondary enrollment, later going on to do amazing things in corporate spheres and other highly skilled professions. Yet some how, with all of this free-flowing intelligence, there’s a disconnect to morals. The idea that respect should come first is kin to a foreign language. Respect stretches far beyond any fly outfit you can throw together or flawless makeup beat-down you can give yourself. Understanding what you have buzzing around in your brain is worth more than the price of your shoes. Yes, you should never base your identity on the perception others have of you, but what do you say about you? Clothing is one of the loudest forms of non-verbal communication. Why must our bodies be so loud, yet our voices so small?

Now, before it’s fixated in your mind, no, choice in clothing doesn’t make you flat-out immoral or less than. Nor do modest women collectively posses better character.Yes, Let’s not get carried away – that’s FAR from where I’m coming from…

But, truthfully, the expectation to be taken seriously is basically null and void if you’re dressed a certain way. Whether you’re on the job or at a club. That’s just a fact. Granted, if you’re seeking a certain type of attention, then that’s exactly what you’ll get. If your goal is for your opinions to be heard and your thoughts to be considered in high regard, then you should probably consider your wardrobe choices a bit. That’s like putting honey out on a hot day and NOT expecting any bees, like come on.. There’s SO many ways to embody sexiness without being under-dressed and over exposed.

Correct me if I’m wrong but all women have the same parts! No? Shaped and formed differently but still the same nonetheless. Why are we so fixated on thinking our body parts and the display of them is what sets us apart from the next female?

We need to elevate ourselves beyond this….

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Why is being “a good girl” considered to be SUCH a faux pas these days?

I try my best to exude body security in a tasteful manner. Not because I’m boring or stiff either, but I’ve identified how I wish to be approached. I’ve been a curvy girl my whole life. My mother’s side of the family is full of hips, hills and valleys; we’re filled out bunch. And, this is something I’ve always embraced –  I’ve been comfortable with the physique that I have, long before this “type” of physique was popular. It’s like no matter where you turn now, someone is purchasing hips, boobs and butts and anything else you can think of. All in the name of being “sexy” and desirable. This isn’t to say that the “illustrious figure 8” is the only body type that’s appealing. Absolutely not! Ask any well paid Victoria’s Secret Model. All shapes and sizes can be appealing.

Here’s the thing that’s so mind-boggling to me: why MUST I play up my curves to be considered sexy? ‘Cause the last time I checked, curves will be curves as long as curves are CURVES! Like, you can see them no matter what you have on! Why must they be magnified and shown off? Why is maintaining mystery such an unheard of gesture these days? I don’t know about you, but I HATE feeling objectified.

Now, I’m sure if you’re still reading, some may be saying what’s the big deal? It’s my body, my choice. Ok, cool. It is your choice, but, the same way you have a choice so does a man. You can’t decide how a man will react and communicate with you. But you CAN limit the opportunity for disrespect. Women have become so desensitized to what being lady-like actually means. Don’t ever fool yourself for one second into believing the notion that you can “Think Like A Man.” It’s completely ridiculous. Men are visually stimulated. It’s really that simple. Let’s be real ladies we already know this! #Selfie101, Hello! We as women are not wired the same way as them. So, behaving as though we are will always be disastrous, for us.  Being on display will ALWAYS generate extra attention. Mind you, just being a woman with some men will generate attention, but you get my point. If you lay out the bait don’t be shocked or offended when you attract unwanted spectators and pursuers. It comes with the territory.

The intent isn’t to attack women who choose to be exposed, because at the end of the day we all have free will. Nor is this a plight to highlight a ‘holier than thou’ mentality. This is, however, attacking the mindset that you HAVE to be exposed to be sexy and the annoying stigma that is attached to the choice of modesty. Your mind is a beautiful work of art on it’s own, let it be showcased for what it’s worth. Your sexiness is never dependent on what you’re wearing and if you’re reliant on your apparel, or the lack there of, to appeal to people then honey– a tight tiny little number should by FAR be the least of your concerns.

There are so many ensemble choices that can embody your womanliness while respecting your destiny. Let’s redefine the way we appeal to people and honour our temples in the process.

Let’s get a discussion going, thoughts? Share with friends!

Top:H&M, Jeans:TopShop, Shoes:Asos

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Written by goldthelabel

Golden.

8 comments

  1. Loved this piece, Perry!

    As much as I love social media for my clients and know the potential it can create for them to engage with their clients, personally I have to detox every week for some of the points your mention in this post.

    Sometimes I look back at my posts and wonder “why did I post that”. Even looking back on some of my outfits thinking “you know that ain’t cute”.

    I really appreciate your thoughts on this topic, Perry! As of last year, I have seen the value is dressing more for comfort and personal expression, instead of for attention or society’s definition of sexy.

    ✌❤😄, oxox, TK!

  2. Truthfully to me, as someone who naturally prefers LESS, it all boils down to perspective. Know yourself enough to know what works for you and promote that. I do not think that everyone who wears less does it for attention either. Some people feel comfortable in expressing themselves through their clothes, as they like and they should be able to do that.

    As for our male counterparts, thinking that it’s okay to be disrespectful to someone based on the clothes that they wear, indicates to me that they have some issues that they need to become more aware of. Yes, to every action there is a reaction BUT the reasoning behind their reaction shouldn’t be based on something as superficial as what someone is wearing.

    Furthermore at this age, we’re all evolving and exploring what does and doesn’t work for us. Who wants to turn 50 and realize they never stepped outside of societal norms and explored the very essence of their being simply because they felt threatened and nervous by what the next person thinks or what a male will do or say. Growing up on a small island would do that and produce people who think on that same frequency.

    When it’s all said and done, we’ll always agree or disagree on somethings but the most important thing, is to be able to coexist and not form negative outlooks based on our own truths, at that time.

    Everyone deserves to confidently express themselves to the world, however they want, without explanation.

    1. Of course! Self expression is a liberty that can’t be taken away from you. However, actions have reactions. And, if you’re hoping to get a certain reaction out of people you have to act/dress in accordance. That’s just nature.

      The goal here though was to highlight that you don’t have to wear less to be considered sexy and to detach our thinking away from the connotations that are associated with that premise.

  3. So basically what you’re saying here is, “less doesn’t equal more”– I totally agree! BUT… (there’s a but) what about the girls who wear less, but have only dated 2 guys in their lifetime and are working toward a bright future VERSUS the girls who are covered up, yet have the miles of a NASCAR race car and live stagnant lives? Furthermore, what about the friends and family I have who (sometimes) dress in tight clothing etc., but have degrees* along with wonderful men in their lives — some even have Jesus! See, that’s where I begin to think and say, “what really matters the most here?”.

    Lets keep in mind that a woman fully clothed doesn’t equate to her being superior to* AND/OR condescend to* the woman who is wearing less.

    LOL! Lets integrate men into this response now because it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t. I love a short and tight dress, or a crop top paired with low-rise distressed jeans, and if a man approached me while I was dressed either way, I either entertain them, or I don’t. I don’t believe the way I’m dressed depends upon what kind of man I’ll attract (after all, these days we’ve switched places — some women are going after the men *they* want). I believe and was taught men like what they like — they’ll always try to pursue women, married men or unmarried men. So, to me, whether a woman is fully clothed or not, they’ll approach her anyway, because that’s what men do.

    Now, do I think the women who choose to “wear less” feel as though they HAVE to wear less because it’s what society perceives as “sexy”? Not all, but there might be some women who stupidly think this way — and I can’t knock them, they don’t know better. Speaking for myself, I dress scantily at times plainly because I feel like it. I don’t have an essay of an explanation — it’s just how I feel.

    All in all, I do see where you’re coming from and I appreciate this blog post a lot! However, I think the bigger issue is not about what a woman wears or what she doesn’t wear, it’s about (like you’ve written) her mindset.

    1. And right at the end you nailed it. I myself wear fitted clothes from time to time. With my body type there’s actually no way around it at times.

      The point here is that you don’t HAVE to dress that way to be considered sexy. Less clothes does not automatically equate sexiness and appeal. Further to that, yes men will pursue women regardless of what they’re wearing; but ( there’s always a but) it’s HOW they will pursue! Respect is subconsciously generated and is usually based upon how someone perceives you at first glance. That can change! Most definitely! Ultimately the goal is to motivate women to not make their body so loud and their voice so small. We’re worth so much more! Glad it resonated with you!

  4. I just came upon your blog today and I am grateful on this Thanksgiving day to God for giving you the talents He has and to you for allowing God to use you.

    “What I don’t understand is why being “sexy” is directly linked to small items of clothing in tight proportions”

    I think the answer to this is simple and found in the word itself. The word sexy contains the word sex. To be considered sexy it needs to give the appeal of sex. Smell, taste, feel, look, whatever. In other words, the way I’m dressing needs to be appealing to your sexually. I know, you might be saying, duh! lol. But, this is the reason why sexy is linked to small items of clothing. As society has become more relaxed in what it deems acceptable and does away with barriers, the way we express ‘sex’ has also become more relaxed. The most conservative outfit of today’s modern fashions would probably give someone from the ankle-length gown-wearing society of the 1200’s a severe heart attack. In terms of clothing, sex is normally done with no clothes on, therefore, when you really think about it, when we dress in that sexy dress we are giving those who see us a peek of a possible sexual encounter. Not far-fetched when you really consider it and that’s not to say that everyone who looks at you in that sexy dress will fantasize about you; but it presents the opportunity to do so in a more in-your-face sort of way. That said, I am not saying feeling or want to express that sexuality is wrong. But we need to be aware and knowledgeable of our bodies and purpose. It all comes back to purpose. The Bible says that we perish because we lack knowledge of the things and ways of God.

    On another note, I think that one of the reasons why there is disagreement on this topic in the first place is because our concepts of what constitutes respect are all different. Respect is something that is taught. We are taught to be respectful and we are taught how others should respect us in turn. Because of the mere fact that we are all human and we all have our own unique experiences and are therefore taught differently, the understanding and expectation of respect can differ to varying degrees from person to person. What is disrespectful to me may not be disrespectful to you. What someone ELSE is doing to me may be disrespectful to you, but in my mind it is perfectly OK.
    Getting right down to it, sexual intimacy was designed by God to be experienced and enjoyed in the sacred marriage union. Today, we are taught that sex before marriage is the way to go. This change in norms has affected how some of us females understand what it means to respect ourselves and others and what it means to be respected by others. If I live by the premise that I will uphold the sacred marriage union, then in my mind, any attempt at trying to seduce me- in whatever capacity- is disrespectful. I would want a significant other who holds the same core values as me, if someone doesn’t hold those same values, they will not see some of what he says or does as being disrespectful. They may play along and entertain, or ignore and walk away from the situation if they just cant be bothered.

    That said, yes, a man may approach a woman regardless of what she is wearing, whether it be a nicely tailored suit or a strapless cut-out mini dress but, what is he thinking in his mind when approaching her and if the exchange continues into any form of relationship. He may seem respectful in how he approaches you and even in what he says to you. But, is he ACTUALLY RESPECTING you? Do we understand what it means to be respected. He may not necessarily be thinking that you’re a slut or some other obviously derogatory label. But, are you giving him an unavoidable opportunity to strip you naked in his mind, objectify you, not appreciate how much you are worth because you yourself don’t know how much you are truly worth. I KNOW that you can’t fully control what men think or do, but like author of blog said, we can mitigate to some extent. Questions I have to ask myself constantly are: Are you prompting lustful thoughts, on purpose or not, in your brothers. Is what you’re wearing going to EASILY cause one of them to sin in their thoughts…Is that guy approaching you because he thinks you’ll be a great wife and mother to his children or is he approaching you because you look like a lot of fun- and I don’t mean preschoolers playing in the sandbox fun. If I sow respect (in myself and others), I will reap respect.

    “Yes, you should never base your identity on the perception others have of you, but what do you say about you? Clothing is one of the loudest forms of non-verbal communication” , says the author of this blog post.

    This, I believe, is where the wonderful, illuminating, enlightening, life-changing Word of God proves to be so critical. A lot of people’s self identity is in crisis. If our concept of respect and our identity is based on, like I said earlier, what we were taught (and especially if that teaching wasn’t based on the Word of God), then we are in trouble. And you don’t have to be a depressed, alcoholic, drug addicted, hooker etc etc to be in trouble either. One of the biggest deceptions is that we have it all together. That is why the Word of God has become my favorite thing in the whole world. Honestly. It tells us how much we are loved, it tells us our worth, it guides us, it corrects us, it RENEWS our minds, it CHANGES our hearts, it feeds our souls in every area of our lives that we allow it to. We no longer conform to the way this world operates because we become clued in to our true purpose of existence.

    My prayer is that our generation comes to know why they were created. That they would see and understand that God isn’t a rigid, strict, restrictive God who doesn’t want us to have fun, express ourselves, or feel good, but that He loves us so much that he has given us His Son, a fool proof guide to life ie His Word, and His Spirit so that we would truly live life to the fullest the way He planned, worshipping Him. We were created to worship God. With our whole lives and everything about us. From what we say, to what we do, to our daily routines, to our jobs and careers, and YES, even what we wear. What we wear is a form of expression. What we express should honor, praise, and worship Jehovah. It’s all about God. It’s an outward expression of an inner truth: we are queens and princesses. If we know that on the inside, we will show it on the outside, but no human words can make people see this light. It is the work of the Holy Spirit.

    Too much of the time we don’t see the bigger picture, as someone mentioned above. But what picture is each of us seeing? When we base our actions- such as how we dress- on our own feelings, our own conceptions, our own paradigms, our own understanding rather than aligning ourselves up with God and what He says, that is where we become confused and deceived into thinking things such as ‘if I dress like this, that guy I like will notice me’ or ‘I know I’m gonna turn heads tonight when I step out in this’ or worse still, ‘I’m not dressing scantily to get attention, I simply like dressing like this’. Truly, I’ve been there and done that. I wanted other girls to see how well I dressed, I wanted guys to see how sexy I was, but those reasons were secondary to my main purpose- to get the attention and affection of this ONE guy.
    Simply put, I was chasing. A lot of times we chase certain things by doing certain things that seem OK in order to satisfy the thirsty places in our souls. But we end up living an unfulfilled life rather than the abundant life God has made available to us.

    I know all of what I just said may sound over-the-top and too deep for a topic just about how sexiness is synonymous to showing more skin. But my God. I have found true exhilaration, liberation, and love for myself because I found out how much God loves me. I am coming to realize that living a life according to God’s Word is NOT restrictive, inhibiting, boring, prudish, square-ish, irrelevant, unnecessary, redundant, but living life His way PROTECTS me- ALL of me: mind, heart, soul, and body. A parent who loves their child Protects them from harm that others may do and harm that they may cause to themselves. My heavenly Father is protecting me and I gladly find refuge in Him.

    Many times the deeper issues of the soul manifest in many ways, including not dressing like a child of the King of Kings as a way of life. We don’t understand that our bodies are living sacrifices, holy. I found out that I am the daughter of a King and no one told me or forced me to change the way I dress or carry myself. It is a pride I take in myself now that comes from a change of heart and mind that happened deep within when I began to see the depth of God’s love and that His way is better than mine. And that knowledge is power.

    1. *Standing Ovation* Thank you Vici! wow! Amen! I don’t know if you read my journal post on this, but you are 1000% on POINT! I used the word “sexy” as it directly relates to what is “considered” appealing and worth having. In hopes of highlighting that your appeal is not based in your apparel. You touched on the point of everyone being raised differently and viewing life in accordance to that. I agree, but I do believe, somewhere with them, there’s that small measure of faith that will prick them here and there. Im glad you’ve been blessed! Thanks again for sharing! Do come back, having this extra salt on the blog is awesome! Bless you! Keeping spreading the gospel!!!

      1. Yes. True about sexy/ appeal and definitely true about the measure of faith. I did not think about that when writing.
        God is so good.
        This is such a deep, multi faceted topic. I know others will stumble upon it and your journal and be blessed just like me. Looking forward to new posts 🙂

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